Inside the noisy mind!

Dear Readers,

It has been a longing wish of mine to be able to write for a larger public than my own critical eyes. To share, relate, and impact a public that is not insensible to life; its complications, and its beauty. While the different ordeals life has to offer, differ from one person to another, I think it is safe to say, our emotional roller coaster leaves us with a rush of feelings rather hard to comprehend.

I haven't had it easy my whole life. There was a piece of struggle at every turn. Whenever it felt like life was actually taking pity on me, the wicked throws some big blows to get me back down on my knees. I am sure you know what I mean. After all, no one has had it easy; we simply experience our hardships differently.

Remember that lively smiling child that was ready to take on the world? What happened to them? Where did they go? In my twenty-something years, right during the time of my life when I probably should be living the best time of my life, what is this misery that took over? Every person of the older generations I encounter (sometimes even some of my peers) would say, I am too young to despair, to give up, on the eventual happiness life has to offer. I AM YOUNG. But tell that to my soul, who feels like it has lived millennia, who feels worn out as if it was as old as the Earth - sometimes, older. 

Do you know that feeling? Can you relate? 

It gets easy, it gets worse. But then, life still goes on. This train does not know how to stop. Missing stations, one after the other. Running through the stages, barely feeling the emotions life has to offer. What does this soul know but agony?  Can it feel anything but? 

At this point in life, I am unsure.

As I am taking this time to pour my very entangled thoughts down on paper (and we know only some part of it will actually control the flow of my fingers touch-typing this very blog article), there is this feeling of uneasiness, discomfort, of being a misfit in your own life, which is hard to shake. This overwhelming feeling is the direct product of my life experiences, either lived or felt. Let me explain. The life experiences which are lived, as it would suggest, are derived from personal life experiences. On the other hand, experiences felt, are the brushes with pain from others lived experiences that are recounted to you. As an empath, the latter drains the energy right out of your body like the Dementors would suck the happiness out of a prisoner of Azkaban (or Harry P.👀). BUT, you also come with that ginormous heart, often misunderstood and always taken for granted; so, as much as you feel the life seeping away, you pour into other's cup, the last drops that you so dearly held on to during the continuous happiness droughts. 

It's not healthy you would say. You do not have to repeat yourself. I heard it. Loud and clear. 

Will I stop? Where I am currently standing, hardly ever! 

After all, the only comfort you are able to get is when pouring what you have worked so hard to achieve into the cups of those you deemed needed it the most. As it would appear, the poor are always more generous than the wealthy. And why wouldn't they be? They know what it feels like to be deprived. They know how it feels like when help isn't sent your way. 

Well, then again, why has this anguishing feeling not dissipated? Why does it build its nest in any mind whether it is welcomed like an old friend or chased like the Balrog? The infamous "Thy Shall Not Pass" does not work as efficiently as it once did🙅. Maybe we need to look out for the staff of Gandalf the Gray... could this help?  I suppose in doubt, the mind only accepts the pain, or whichever the feeling it is most accustomed to. 

Isn't it strange how our minds can so easily accept the hurt but is quick to reject the love? How do our minds only manifest the negative while the heart secretly wishes to be saved by the knight in shining armor? But then remember that you are the knight in shining armor? 

That can only mean one of two things, either you save yourself... or you cannot ever be saved. Which would it be?